I am not prepared

I am so exhausted I just want to give up at this point.
When is it time to make the decision that your choices are not working? How do you know that you have done everything in your power and it is not enough. When do you realize that the decisions you are making are not for the person they are meant to but for yourself and your feeling of failing? Failing not just yourself and your family but the person that you are trying to keep going. I am just trying to figure out when do we say that we have done all we can and we have to send her to the hospital, how do I tell my dad that we cannot take care of his wife of 51 years. I was thinking yesterday that we are talking to doctors getting home heath aides, doing everything for her and it seems that she has just given up and we do not know why. Everyone that we have spoken to Doctors a like say that she should be doing better and should be focusing on getting better and getting back to her life. Our days consist of an hour here and there of her being lucid then its talking to people that are not there, calling for help when nothing is wrong, changing her, feeding her trying to keep her talking to us. Yesterday we were very close to taking her to the hospital but then I thought to myself what are they going to do, she does not need surgery she does not have any broken bones. We have spoken to the Neurologists and Psychologists in the hospital and they say that we need to speak to our doctors out of the hospital. It is so frustrating because we are trying and nothing seems to be working with us only against us. I feel like my life is cursed and I do not know how to fix it. I just want my mom better and it does not seem to be happening or will happen. I have told myself that I need to be more patient and I need to learn that this is not her half the time. I am trying to get my sister to come to see her mother but she hasn’t yet and it really irks me. I mean if you know your mother is not doing well why would you not come to see her. Our whole household is on edge and is on the brink of collapse we just have so much tension due to the decisions that were made to bring my mom home instead of putting her back in a rehab facility, Sorry about my rant today, I just needed to get it out and feel not so hopeless and alone.
So the past few days or weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. My mother is switching between being alert and her normal self (well as normal as we can be) to constantly talking about giving up and not wanting to eat or do anything. There are days that she will just stare into the distance or sit with her head down. She does not engage she does not do anything. The changes of emotions are causing whiplash. Walking into my house after work feels like my soul is being taken from my body. Yesterday she called me saying that she was being held hostage in her bed and no one is letting her out. She had been in and out of the bed room the whole day, once we got her out of the bed she wanted to go back. We were able to have her eat some food and then she went back to bed.

How do I keep her from wanting to give up? How do I tell her that she cant give up and that there are so many things that she needs to continue to do? How do I keep myself from becoming so overwhelmed and frustrated I feel like a bad daughter because I get so frustrated by her lack of drive. I know that sounds horrible and I sound like a brat.

I just wish I knew what to do. I have been trying to find her a neurologist and cannot get into one for weeks if not months. We have a meeting with a psychiatrist so hopefully we will be able to move forward with something. I just hope someone has any ideas.
How do I say no to someone who is constantly asking to go home? My mom is in one of the best inpatient facilities in our state and she is constantly making excuses to come home. At this point in time most of the things she is saying are not actually true, they are manifestations in her mind which is part of the dementia and the delirium. I am constantly saying the same things over and over with why she needs to go stay where she is. She is a danger to herself if she comes home and she will never get better physically if she gets home. I have been saying this over and over and so has everyone else.

Once again I am flying blind here and I am hoping I am doing the best thing for her by sticking to my guns. So far she has had 3 days of physical therapy and this is the most movement she has in weeks.

I feel horrible being so tired and irritated by the constant calls and complaints and when she does complain and they do what she wants its another complaint its like dealing with a toddler. I am trying to figure out how to keep myself sane in this situation. I cant take time off from work so vacations and me days are not in the cards for a while. I am sorry if today’s post sounds like a complaint fest and I suppose it is. I just wish I had someone or something to tell me that what I am doing is correct and if not what is the correct course I should be one.

I hope everyone has a nice Sunday.
Okay so I know that this sounds strange but I honestly wonder if I could have been prepared. I was born in 1982, I went to school in the 80’s-00’s, not once was I provided any education on what to do when my parents cannot take care of themselves anymore. At least when you have children there are parenting classes to help figure out what you need to do but nothing for when your parents get old. If there is I have not been introduced to it. I am not trying to have a woe is me moment, I just think it would have been good to teach this in a class or a semester. Home economics was basically being phased out when I was in high school but I do not believe help like that was offered. I know some of this should be a no brainer but after the 2nd head trauma with my mother and her being diagnosed with delirium on top of the beginning stages of dementia it would have been nice to have a bag of tricks to dig through to combat some of this even a little bit. When I heard delirium I had to remind myself what year we were living in. The good thing is, it should go away the bad part is since she is in an advanced age it could take months.

I think all of this would be easier if I had the help of my sibling, she has truly checked out of anything that has to deal with taking care of my parents especially my mother, the only help she provides is to tell me that I am spending too much money and my mortgage is too much. Not once has she offered to fly into town and help me with my parents, help me make sure each of them are taking their medications, help me make sure that they are eating, help me keep the house clean etc. All her children are in college and do not live at home and she does not have a job so there is no reason that she cannot help. As one can imagine I have a lot of anger toward her. I am sure I am not the only one that has a sibling that chooses not to help. My husband has been my anchor he has picked up the slack when I am at work he does the cooking and the laundry. When my mom was home he was a Rockstar.

I just want to know I am not alone, mentally I am fried and emotionally I am a wreck, but I cannot breakdown because so many people need and depend on me. Not including my dog Lucy who cuddles when she knows I need a good cuddle.
I hope my Blog helps people in the same position as me with their parents. You are not alone and I hope this allows me to feel some support.

Lets do this together!
Like many I have never expected to be in this position. I have 2 ill parents, one is sicker than the other. My mother has always had epilepsy so that is something we have dealt with my whole life. However, the past 2 months have opened my eyes to the new normal in my life. My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s which was a blow but something I thought we could manage. I was thinking that we would experience the stereotypical symptoms like shaking hands and balance issues. What I was not prepared for was the drastic decline from my outgoing mother who played bridge, mahjong and went to outings with friends, to a paranoid, delusional childlike woman in a 4 week period. The sundowners started slowly with a little confusion but it was a manageable side effect of the Parkinson’s, however the slight confusion then turned into screaming in the middle of the night, getting up over and over, and falling down sometimes causing injury other times not. This led to installing bedrails for children and learning a new sleep pattern which allows for a person to wake up at any noise that does not sound normal, such as screaming and the sound of falling. Then came the 1st major fall, walking into that bedroom after hearing yelling is a sight that I will always remember, seeing my mother laying on the floor mumbling and covered in blood from a head wound is not something I want to deal with ever again. That was either the first or second time that I had to call 911 in my life, for an ambulance to take her to the emergency room. Sitting in the ER for 7 hours for them to see her in this state of bleeding from the head, shouting nonsense, and not making sense and to have the hospital send her home and not admit her still boggles my mind. It makes me wonder if they had kept her overnight, would the following series of events have taken place.

What I did not know was how unprepared and unequipped I am to handle what was going to happen next and what was going to be required of me.

I know that many people have to deal with aging parents and some have had to deal with the things I am going through, I just hope that my blog and my experiences just show these people that you are not alone.

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